I have spent almost my entire adult life battling the bulge.  Ever since I had my first child my body has not been the same.  I have tried countless diets and starved myself in order to lose a few pounds before some occasion…like losing a few pounds was really going to make a difference. 

The Endless Diets

I have lost AND gained hundreds of pounds.  Let’s see…where to start…

There was Slim Fast - I think I lost about 30 pounds and gained it back with an additional 10 or so.

Then there was weight watchers - never really lost any…wasn’t motivated enough.

Oh and then there was Atkins…like 4 different times.  I lost 40 + pounds on Atkins, but it found its way back as soon as I started back on bread and pasta.  Oh can’t forget I think I added an additional 20+ pounds after that. 

 There was that stupid grapefruit diet.  Now that sucked and I only lost like 5 pounds.

Can’t forget all the starvation diets.  I lost like 10 pounds each and then found it back on my thighs in a matter of days…not even weeks.

 I thought bout the South Beach Diet, but the food plan on that was just not for me.  I don’t think actually ever started it.

Then there was the low fat…I lost 20, gained 10 after.

Sugar Busters…oh, how fun.  I was a bitch from hell…even more so than the Atkins, but didn’t really lose much.  Maybe 10 pounds.  Gained it back when I gorged on sugar afterwards.

 I could go on and on.  I have been on diets literally since I was about 21 years old (right after first child).

The Day That Changed My Life

So on April 1, 2007, I decided it was time to change.  It was a conversation with my sister (and best friend) that sparked it all.  She and I discussed the importance of health and the risks of cancer in our family.  She has been eating healthy for a number of years.  I wrote the following in my journal that day:

“Today will be my last day of bad eating.   I am going to make a commitment to myself to stop eating bad foods.  I will not eat sugar, white flour or any other crap that is bad for my body.  I am making this a lifetime commitment, not a “diet.”  I will not cheat ever again.  I am committed to living a healthy lifestyle, which will include a healthy lifestyle.”

When I wrote this I had every intention of making it happen, but I am not so sure I truly believed I could do it.  I have to say I have pretty much lived up to this. 

 I am very embarrassed of where I was back then.  So embarrassed that I didn’t take a before shot for weeks after I started the “new lifestyle.”  I won’t call it a diet because to me diets are dirty and doomed.  I finally did get a few photos after I had lost some of the weight…maybe 10-15 pounds.  It took me almost a month to take the photos off my camera because I was afraid to look at them.  Then after I downloaded them it took at least another month before I opened the folder they were in. 

I cried.

 I don’t mean I had tears in my eyes.  I mean I balled my eyes out like I had just lost my best friend.  It hurt to see myself like that.  I really, really didn’t realize how fat I was.  For years, I avoided mirrors and pictures at all costs.  I didn’t even look at myself in storefront reflections because I was afraid to see myself.  If you think I am exaggerating or joking…sadly, I am not. 

I still hate looking at these pictures, but they do show me how far I have come.  I think every person has to have before pictures…no matter how painful it is to look at them.  So…with that being said.  I will post them here for the first time.  I have only showed them to one person in the past year because it is humiliating and embarrassing.

I am 4′11″ and was a whopping 228 pounds (I may have been a little less in these glamour shots because I had already lost some weight before I got the guts to take photos of myself, but you get the idea.)

My Glamour Shots

To me this journey was about taking back my health.  I have read countless health articles about preventing disease and living a healthy lifestyle.  I truly just wanted to live a long, healthy life so I could be around long enough to see my kids grow up.  I know on the path I was on, it wasn’t likely to happen.  I also worried that my eating habits were going to become the eating habits of my children, which would mean they would be likely to become obese and unhealthy as well.  I couldn’t let this happen to my kids. 

 This was the first time in my life I wasn’t going on a diet to lose a certain amount of pounds.  This is what was different about it for me.  I didn’t care about looking good for an occasion or trying to lose weight to look good in a bathing suit.  I just wanted to regain my health and I was finally ready to make it a lifetime journey instead of some short bus ride.

 I have to say it wasn’t that I was just a lazy person and didn’t care about my health.  I think like most people I cared, but I thought I would put it off.  I was (and am) a workaholic.  My work puts my butt in a chair in front of a computer for a minimum of 14 hours a day.  This lifestyle is not conducive to being thin or healthy.  I wanted to exercise, but felt I was too busy to.  I didn’t eat all day and would just eat one large meal at night.  I blamed it this on time.  I would get in front of my computer and the entire day would pass.  I would even forget to drink water and even go the bathroom.   I was so wrapped up in my work and making my business take off that I put my health on-hold.  I thought I could worry about my health after I made money.  I didn’t think about what would happen if I didn’t have my health…money wouldn’t be so important anymore, would it?

Being sick ALL the time

 I suffered from a cold or flu almost every month.  There were times I would keep a cold for over a month.  I even had pneumonia a couple times.  Then there was my gallbladder surgery, skin cancer, ovarian cysts, appendix surgery, problems with my liver and many other ailments along the way.  Never did I think this was related to my lifestyle.  I thought it was just bad luck.

The Evil Vegetables

Oh, I need to talk about the foods I would eat.  My entire life I have avoided vegetables like the plague.  I mean to me vegetables were corn, peas and potatoes.  Nothing else would ever touch my lips.  Oh, that is except salad.  I had to be healthy, so I would eat a ceasar salad with lots of dressing…and crutons.  I refused to eat any other veggies my entire life.  I can’t even remember trying brocolli, but I knew I hated it.  I wouldn’t try any foods I hadn’t tried (and liked) as a child. 

I loved pasta and my absolute favorite food was cheese.  I loved to eat cheese by the slice, block, melted, fried…you name it.  I lived on pasta and mac and cheese.  Then there was cereal.  I loved cereal and thought it was healthy.  Have you ever looked at the serving size of cereal?  I would fill an entire bowl with cereal and milk…thought that was a serving.  Then there was my love for icecream, especially Cold Stone Creamery.  I would induldge in a “like it” whenever I drove by there, which was like once a week, at least. 

When I made the decision to get healthy I started reading research about foods that are supposed to prevent cancers and other diseases.  Most of these foods were fruits and the evil veggies.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like fruits, but I preferred a glass of orange juice over peeling an orange.   I can’t say I really ate fruit regularly.  I wasn’t really a big eater of anything.  I just didn’t eat frequently enough and I only ate at night. 

Exercise was a hit or miss thing.  I would get on a kick while I was on one of the many diets and then would get my butt moving.  It would last a few months and then I would quit again.  I even got into hiking for a while and enjoyed it very much, but after some time I stopped that too.

Missing Out On Life

I never realized how little energy I had.  I thought I was a pretty energenic person because afterall I had the energy to sit and work at my computer for hours and hours on end.  I could literally go 2 days without sleep just working behind the computer and not feel tired.   But, I remember going to Chuck E. Cheese with my kids and quickly finding a place to plop my ass while I watched my kids play.  I wasn’t about to actually stand and walk around the entire time. I felt sluggish and didn’t know it until just a few weeks ago.  Over the Christmas holidays I took my kids to another place like a Chuck E. Cheese, but without the stupid mouse and the cardboard pizza.  I walked around, jumped in the bumper cars, played some games, etc and didn’t even think about sitting on my butt.  I actually had a blast.  I think I may have had a better time than my kids.  As I walked out of the establishment I thought about how much fun I had and wondered what the difference was.  Afterall, I had done this sort of thing a million times with them.  Well, the difference was I participated and enjoyed it. 

 I then wondered why I hadn’t joined in before.  There were several reasons.  One reason being that I felt I was too heavy to do some of that stuff.  I was very self conscious about my weight.  I would never have dreamed of climbing into a bumper car made for kids before.  Second reason is I didn’t have the energy before.  I felt tired and didn’t understand how they could have so much energy…thought it was a kid thing.  Another reason was just being so uncomfortable with my weight I didn’t want people to look at me.  I worried about other people thought.  Don’t ask me why. 

 I have missed out on so many things in my life in fear of what other people think.  I was always worried about looking like a fool and getting embarrassed.  I think part of maturing is becoming comfortable with yourself.  I don’t worry anymore what anyone thinks.  Hell, how can I after posting those awful pictures of me.  I think if I can do that, I can do anything without worrying about what people think anymore. 

Where I am At

Well, today is almost 1 year and I have lost a good amount of weight, but certainly not all of it.  I will get to just how much I have lost later, but first I want to share some other stuff.

 As I said this started in April, 2007.  By July 2007 I had lost about 25 pounds and felt pretty damn good about myself.  It wasn’t until last week when I had to edit some video for a project that I realized just how heavy I still was back in July when I thought I was looking good.  Here is the video of me…don’t laugh now.

Here is the video: July 2007

 I just couldn’t believe how heavy I was after losing all that weight.  I am thankful I didn’t watch that video until recently or I would have been really discouraged. 

My Goals

As far as my goal goes, I started out without a weight loss goal.  I didn’t say I am going to lose 50 pounds by a certain date or anything like that.  To me that would be a DIET.  I just don’t like that word and I didn’t want to doom myself before I ever got started.  It was a road to a healthy lifestyle.  Now I can say along the way I have put a number to my goal.  It changes all the time.  I have said I want to be 150, 140, 130, 120, 110 and 100 pounds (remember I am only 4′11″.)  I change my mind about this all the time. 

 At this point my goal is to look at myself naked in the mirror and feel okay with myself.  I don’t ever expect to be perfect, but I would like to get to a point where I feel content enough that I am no longer embarrassed of what I look like naked.  I have been so obsessed with the scale that I have literally weighed myself 8-10 times a day.  This is not healthy and I don’t recommend anyone else do it.  

Anyway, that is where I am at in a nutshell.  Feel free to be a voyeur through this journey.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the guts to write a public blog when I started, so I plan to post excerpts from my original journey over the coming months.  I will also give a play by play of this journey from this day forward. Take a look at my current photo.  I try to post a new one regularly.  Stay tuned….